Social Media

The Real Shit

Guest Author: Aude Moatti

I am disappointed with the Ashtanga community. Which is hard to admit.

Struggle is polished by a fake glow of expensive leggings and post-practice diet talk. An image of non-suffering, of, “ it’s all behind me now. “

 Seriously.

And what was it like when it wasn’t? Why aren’t you telling me? Did it just all happen in one night? Of course not. Then how long? What helped?

I want answers.

I’m 23, recovering from eating disorders, severe insomnia, paralyzing anxiety and, on top of that, I smoke.

Soon I will have had three years of practice. Former rock-climber, now in the circus, I am hyperflexible and in good physical shape. Asana is not a problem for me. I completed primary after two years and do dropbacks on my own. I even catch my calves now. I know it’s uncommon. For me it’s easy. For me, asana is pretty easy.

What isn’t easy is the crap in my head that I still cannot manage and no one seems to be willing to help. I don’t know if the solution is to carry on trying harder to control myself or just give in to the waves. I know that when you are drowning, resisting the currents makes you more likely to die.

What happens when you have a bad 48 hours? When you just get caught in the rip current of darkness? When you don’t know whether you should resist or give in? When deeply rooted patterns send you spiraling into a whirlwind of self-judgment and self-loathing?

I’m a Gemini built on paradox. I love my dark side. I call it, “the punk me”. Where is the punk side of the Ashtanga community?  All I see is an obsession with presenting a false sense of perfection and purity. This makes me feel like my punk/dark side is not compatible with the practice of Ashtanga.

But what if it is?

How does this perfect path make me, and I’m sure plenty of others, feel somehow like we are unworthy of it?

This can’t be true.

Yoga is for everyone.

I am worthy of Ashtanga. If you are currently facing the darkness, you are worthy too.  

When I look online, I feel alone in my struggles. And by struggles, I don’t mean “Oh, I can’t bind in Marichyasana D. Please help me.”  Or, “I’m soooo tired. Is it okay to just do Sun Salutations?” By struggles I mean, spending a whole day in bed watching TV, eating chocolate, and scrolling through Instagram because I am so overwhelmed by my thoughts that I have to hide until the darkness recedes. My practice in those times, if I am lucky, is three sun salutations, and a one-minute savasana.

Sometimes, my life isn’t a mess. But regularly, I happen to fall back into those patterns when I know the goal is to be transcending them. This is when the judging starts. This is when I start looking online for people who “just can’t”.

I know those people exist but don’t speak up. Will you?

What if the goal is to befriend our dark side instead of denying its existence or just trying to control it?

This is why I want you all to tell me about the real SHIT. I know I am not the only one going through this. I can’t be. WHERE ARE YOU ALL?

Can we have a community with people who are honest with themselves? In the end, we all want the truth, right? The truth of impermanence. I know my patterns won’t go on forever. I know in a couple of days I will feel awesome again. I know in a couple of years I will handle my thoughts a lot better. Today things are better than two years ago. Things are changing, nothing lasts, this is the only thing I know. It has been a while since I stopped looking only for wellbeing and started facing the dark messy part of me.

Is there anyone else trying to come out of this constant judging, of hiding the bad and exhibiting the good only? Can we share the real SHIT too? Instead of just videos of success, show me when you fall, tell me why you fell, how you felt and how you got back on your feet. Who helped you and why?

Let’s just stop pretending our darkness doesn’t exist. I am tired of the fake Instagram filtered, curated profiles that many in the community are trying to pass off as real. I know it’s not real. I’ve been to Mysore. I practice in a shala with an authorized teacher. I can see through the superficial physicality that many in the Ashtanga community are trying to pass off as yoga. I cannot and will not hide behind my able body. No matter how many people congratulate me on my back bendings, I want to shake their hand and say, “ thanks, but you know this whole week I stayed up extremely late eating refined sugar and rolling cigarettes because there are things in life I still find difficult, and those deep backbends are not helping .” Knowing that I can befriend this dark side, will. Because every time I just give in and shake my darker twin’s hand, we make peace. I get a break from that stupid voice in my head telling me I am a bad person and unworthy of being in the Ashtanga community.

We need to talk about the darkside.  Because if we don’t, it will scare away the very people who need this practice.  They don’t want to be a part of a fancy pants, goodie goodie community of problem-less mannequins. They do not want to be part of a community that expects you to magically be all love and light.  A community that feels like you shouldn’t be angry or feel depressed. It’s extremely hard to extract this misconception from people’s minds because EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE says the opposite.

So tell me about the real shit in your life, please 🙂

Hi, I’m Aude, little french (aspiring) clown with a lot of hair. Born and raised in Paris, studied in London at the Central Saint Martin’s School of Arts in the Fine Arts section, then had a pretty nomad lifestyle. Now, I mainly write poetry but also draw, make collages, and sometimes, bind books. Currently based in Paris (again) working on several projects within a company in the giant puppet field. As flexible in my life as I am in my body, but also as unstable, to each his or her own challenges ;) Mail: aude.moatti@gmail.com You can also contact me on instagram: anomalipstick (or Aude Moatti). I only read love letters because my heart is like a sponge.

34 Comments

  • Valerie

    I feel you! I don’t post much about my practice, most people around me have not heard of Ashtanga. I also constantly feel guilty about not wanting to practice 6 days a week, feeling fatigued, and lots of anxiety attacks. Thanks for posting.

    • Scott Bauer

      Hi sister– Your struggles were my struggles i feel you, now i am 15 years clean and 13th year in Ashtanga. I think many “Ashtangi” forget one of Guruji most famous lines– ‘Ashtanga Yoga= Patanjali yoga” same same. Ashtanga yoga is not about tightening your ass (although thats nice) its about “Getting our head out of our ass” . For me also a recovering addict it is the combination of NA steps and Ashtanga yoga– I found this created an unshakable foundation for life. In 2011 i moved to Ubud, Bali and added Balinese Bhakti to the mix, today i live the dream, finally i am comfortable in my own skin.

      Om Shanti Shanto Shanti Om

  • Heleen Peeters

    In the darkest days of my life I finally found the strength to start a daily practice, at home, alone in my cold room. I was a cry baby for 3 years, everyday I cried myself to sleep and I couldn’t controll it, I didn’t understand why I was alive, as I was severely sick as a child and I survived bc of a lot of chemo and pills, yet was convinced I came out of the battle crooked and too damaged to have a ‘normal’ live. Like I was supposed to be dead as that seemed like what nature wanted. Nobody new about my ‘bad moods’ except my family. Even they weren’t much of a help, at the time or at least I didn’t see it. They got angry the more I cried, can’t blame them, must be horrible and weird. It’s ok, I understand completely. Mysore classes made me stronger mentally and physically and more confident. It still is a struggle from time to time to be happy with myself, but I feel joyfull most of my days now and I smile just because i’m alive and I have this body and mind and exploring it every morning on my mat, overcoming obstacles with it is a fulfillment for the rest of the day. I became a MUCH more authentic person, the reason I was so anxious or depressed (don’t know what the illness was, never got a decent look at it by any doctor) was because I was allways trying to fit in, to make people like me, to find love and acceptance from situations and people around me. Very low self esteem; hidden behind make up, stupid clothes; late night dances to crap music and fake smiles, the worst boyfriends for me… and so on, clichés all the way. I’m a lot more isolated now and picky about who I truly allow into my personal space yet I met more people who think alike in the last 2 years and made deeper connections then I ever experienced – mostly with myself. Yoga is not a physical work out or a hobby to do for an hour 3 times a week, it is life. It is how you approach everything that goes on around you and therefore in your mind. It is about seeing everything more clearly, using your brain but connecting it to your heart first. It is about knowing nothing is permanent. I do feel blissfull and shiny “like on Instagram” everytime I make that conscious connection to my heart, but I honour my dark side for it broke me so I could rebuild myself. I just read this all over again before I wanted to post it and I know it might all sound a little dramatic but it is honest. I am touched by your post, raw and pure, and indeed you are not alone.

  • Anyanka

    Hay mucha hipocresia en el yoga moderno, llevo un año alejado de los shalas desde que se arraigo en mi mente la idea de “culpa”, tengo relaciones toxicas con hombres casados, consumo cocaina, marihuana, alcohol de forma habitual; al principio podia llevar la situacion, pero despues un sentimiento de impureza me invadio, sibre todo con los demas compañeros de shala al ver como ellos se expresaban de estilos de vidas no “sanos” y entonces la idea de culpa crecio cada vez mas, hasta el punto de sentirme ajeno al sitio. Uno va buscando esa “iluminacion” tan vendida por todos los medios que me dije a mi mismo “eres mala persona y no mereces estar ahi’ , no estoy culpando a nadie, solo digo que para muchos los aspectos negativos de uno mismo causan pena, verguenza, pero si los ignoramos o reprimimos crecen como un gran mounstruo y nos deboran…

    • Shanna Small

      Google Translate:There is a lot of hypocrisy in modern yoga, I’ve been away from the shalas for a year since the idea of “guilt” got rooted in my mind, I have toxic relationships with married men, cocaine use, marijuana, alcohol on a regular basis; At the beginning I could take the situation, but after a feeling of impurity invaded me, I found out everything with the other shala companions when they saw how they expressed themselves of not “healthy” lifestyles and then the idea of guilt grew more and more, until the point of feeling alien to the site. One goes looking for that “illumination” so sold by all means that I said to myself “you are a bad person and you do not deserve to be there”, I am not blaming anyone, I only say that for many the negative aspects of oneself cause grief, shame, but if we ignore or repress them grow like a great monster and they will owe us …

      Thank you for your comment.

    • Shiva Arsha

      Lo negativo es un concepto. No existe. Es solo vida. Acógela Acepta todo. Y al observarlo y amarlo lo transcenderás. Pero no porque desaparezca. Sino cuando aparezca al verlo vas a aceptar tu condición humana y eso va abrir tu corazón hacia ti y por consecuencia a todo lo que toques. Se trata de ser auténtico, amando cada faceta sin etiquetarlas. Eso se llama vivir tu humanidad sin pretensión de ser diferente. Es ver lo divino en lo humano. Asthanga te da la herramienta de que a través del cuerpo y la respiración puedas observar todos tus patrones y tu piloto automático. El Ego se alimenta del juicio y la queja. Ama cada parte de ti y cuando pongas luz la oscuridad se disolverá. Abrazos en esto de ser Humano.

      • Shanna Small

        Google Translate:The negative is a concept. Does not exist. It’s just life. Accept it Accept everything. And when you observe it and love it, you will transcend it. But not because it disappears. But when you appear to see it you will accept your human condition and that will open your heart to you and consequently to everything you touch. It’s about being authentic, loving every facet without labeling them. That is called living your humanity without pretending to be different. It is to see the divine in the human. Asthanga gives you the tool that through your body and breathing you can observe all your patterns and your autopilot. The Ego feeds on judgment and complaint. Love every part of you and when you put light the darkness will dissolve. Hugs in this of being Human.

  • Nityanand

    Hi Aude,
    I feel that you have not been briefed properly about what you want and what you can do to achieve. Sometimes, results are so subtle that it can frustrate you. But, I believe that you need to be informed what to expect. I can explain in detail about the frustrations and feelings, if you describe when it occurs, how it manifests, etc..
    The points you raised are totally valid though.
    With regards,
    Nitya

  • Rory

    My deepest fears have been bubbling at the surface for the last month. It has brought my relationship to the edge of a cliff and I can’t escape my own incessant self-judging, comparisons, nonacceptance, and feelings of jealousy and unworthiness. It goes so hard against everything I have learned from my practice. Yamas and Niyamas are out the fucking window. It’s hard to control. The second my mind settles into a peaceful state of acceptance it slips into a whirlwind of doubt and dread. I thought my practice would strengthen my resolve. Give me peace, clarity, and perspective. It had strengthened my body and made my limbs nimble but my mind and emotions are still wild and vulnerable. It has just made me feel even more, how utterly helpless I am sometimes to my own mind and emotions. I know there is a way through this. Time brings change and this I have learned through my practice. Nothing is ever the same from one second to the next. I thank Bob Dylan for poetically and heroically expressing this message in song. The truth as it seems to me is, no amount of meditation and practice can fully protect us from harm. We are small creatures who often run and seek refuge from our pain. But it is in the very crevices we run to that the pain lurks waiting for us again. In truth, I believe we must be present with it, allow it to burn into our soul and try to absorb its mighty consuming power. For it is an awakening feeling that brings life into a world where nothing is really as it seems. Thanks for reading.

  • Karen Cairns

    Oh… please believe me when I say we are all facing our own “darkness.” Ashtanga yoga has given me life and light that I would never have known without this practice. Without this practice I might be dead, might be in bed trying not to think, down on myself and feeling hopeless. If you see me now, you would not know where I have been. I am pretty sure I am not your picture of “punk” ashtanga- I am 73, white hair, etc. But… I know what it feels like to feel hopeless, unloved, unworthy. My practice has taken me from “darkness” to “light.” My moments of doubt/despair/hopelessness still come but they don’t last long. I am happy and feel such joy. For this I am more grateful than I can ever say.

  • Jo

    Hi Aude, Thank you for your article, I agree that we need more talk about the darkside. I’d love to share my experience of Ashtanga and its impact on my darkside, in the hope that it resonates with others too, and keeps this discussion alive.

    Yoga is a very powerful “tool” for “healing” (could write an essay on what this one word encompasses, but lets not go there….) and for me so much of the healing is not about the actual asana, but the workings of our mind that we have the opportunity to spend time with during our practice (and hopefully off of our mats too). I am 45 and a Mother of two children, who left a 15 year marriage 18 months ago. Yoga has been my friend and support system during this challenging time of transition. I have spent the last 3 years waking a lot in the night with fear / anxiety, and going to yoga early morning when I can has been a life-line to calm me down enough to be able to function effectively during the rest of the day. I have discovered that for me, the Ashtanga practice has opened me up where I was closed (and we’re not talking physically, but emotionally/ spiritually / mentally), unblocked stuck energetic pathways, and basically has me in tears right now on a regular basis. I believe the tears are a gradual releasing of a lifetime of unprocessed emotions and trauma that had me live my pre-yoga life rather emotionally numb and feeling very “stuck”. I very rarely now feel elation from the occasional practice, more the grit of daily commitment leading to a foundation of much greater presence and nervous system regulation than if I had not practiced. A silly but hopefully useful analogy I like to think of is that I don’t get hugely excited about cleaning my teeth, but it feels so much better when I have done it, and if I didn’t do it for a few days I’d feel really yukky. Same goes for yoga for me.

    When I started yoga around 13 years ago yoga made me feel “awesome”, “elated” each time I went (which was only 1-2 times a week). Now, because I practice 5-6 times a week, and using the “system” of Ashtanga, my emotional response to my practice is that it brings me to a place of greater calmness wherein I can be the best possible version of myself that day (still with many imperfections, but a more positive and capable version than if I did not). Some days I am still tearful or angry within minutes of leaving my mat, but I know that I have moved energy, probably released some crap, which may lead to some “turbulence” during my day. I consider this part of the process. I struggle daily with self-judgment that despite 1.5 hours of yoga most days “I still don’t have my shit sorted”. And then I remind myself that this is a journey, that I AM making progress (albeit not at the speed my ego would like), and that the journey never ends, and I will almost certainly never “have my shit all sorted”, as my ego would like.

    The daily challenge I find is to become an ever more effective “observer” of the varying waves of self-loathing, judgement, fear, anxiety, paronoia, and whatever else society deems as “negative” that pervade my consciousness on a daily basis. And there are plenty of “good feelings” scattered in many of my days too, its not one-dimensional. “OMG I’m a “bad” yogi because I’m not calm all of the time” is a great phrase I tell myself that drives me deeper into the darkness. What this practice is teaching me more and more is to practice LESS control in my life, to allow my so-called (by me, generated by my conditioning) “negative” emotions to come up and notice how I meet them. When I can meet my darker emotions with kindness, tolerance, and compassion I feel I am healing myself. And, I often fall short and condemn myself for not having gained “inner peace” despite more commitment yoga than most people I know. But I know that without yoga I would still be frozen with a completely disregulated traumatised nervous system that was not stopping me achieving great things in my life, but was definitely stopping me from having a quality of “BEINGNESS” that I could feel at home in, comfortable in, SAFE in. My life used to be about using achievement as a defensive tool against the toxic panic of experiencing myself in the absence of achievement, as if I simply wouldn’t exist without achievement. I feel this practice is teaching me gently, through repetition and introspection, to get to know myself, love myself, and most of all to realise that WHO I AM has nothing to do with my achievements. For this I am so grateful. And, just so I’m totally transparent, I use sugar (chocolate, biscuits) as my self-soothing tool outside of yoga, and also hiding away from others when I do not feel safe. I’m a long way from “healed” but I do have faith I’m on a path going in a direction that is helpful for me and those impacted by me! I so want to be of service to the world, and dealing with my own stuff is probably the hardest part of the process of being of service. Putting my own oxygen mask on before rushing to help others.

    I have also found tremendous support in other healing modalities (reiki, cranio-sacral therapy, breathwork, nervous system healing modalities of many types, kineisiology to release trapped emotions, the list goes on), to support the unveiling, unearthing, and melting of the numbness and fear-drenched “doing-ness” that yoga and being on a Conscious path of self-development helps with.

    My personal experience having been so in love with yoga the last 12-13 years is that I’ve been through the early years of excitement, buying too many pairs of new leggings, getting excited about new yoga t-shirts, signing up to every workshop possible, being inspired by every teacher I could go see, and also seeing some I wasn’t inspired by, to becoming a teacher myself, having another baby, taking time out, getting back into it again. I now find myself utterly unexcited by fancy leggings, have minimalised my wardrobe to black leggings and only a few tops, mostly with no logos on, and am enjoying narrowing the previously scattered focus of my yoga world to the simplicity of me, my mat, my breath, my awareness, and gratitude for the mysore teacher holding space. The most recent development has been accepting that some days I don’t get any assists, and that’s totally ok, I didn’t miss out, I still got what I came for, which was an opportunity to BE rather than DO, and to practice coming to my mat with as few expectations as possible, just a commitment to the present moment. I witness my own irritation, sadness, grief, fear. AND, I also get to witness a growing seed of self-love, self-acceptance, calmness, acceptance, which exists alongside my dark side.

    I believe listening to ALL of our emotions, and stopping the good and bad duality of judgment is what this practice is about for those of us who struggle more with our minds than the asana. I’d love to hear more from others about their emotional journey with yoga! Thank you Aude.

  • Michelle S

    My real shit is pretty dark. I often wondered if it was just me. Do “they” suppress these feelings? Yoga for me has brought up so many emotions. Everyone is focused on the asanas but not wanting to get into the philosophy of yoga or the “living Yoga off the mat”. It becomes frustrating and I feel alone more often than not. The struggles are real.

  • Alex

    Yes there are more of us out there. You just will never see us/this side on instagram. If you say asana is easy for you, and then go on saying there’s shit going on in your head… Then obviously asana isn’t easy for you. Asana is perfect(ed) only when the mind is quiet. It’s all about the mind. You are still very young. Keep on doing your practice, but don’t be to hard on yourself. Three sun salutations is awesome! Be proud of yourself managing three sun salutations! Allow yourself to take breaks from your practice – and – feel good about it! You seem to have a lot going on.

  • Adam

    You may be interested by what Krishnamurti has to say. Lots of YouTube videos, books, etc.
    It sounds to me like you are doing a great deal of judging. My question to you is do you know what you are judging or even what it is that is judging? I believe answering thses questions can help you. It helped me.
    Darkness and pain are always there. It is the understanding and embracing of the truth of what they are that will best serve you.
    An interesting insight I had into pain and suffering is that they themselves must be in pain and must suffer. But what is it that is in pain and suffers? Is it “me”? If so, what is this me?
    And so begins a glorious voyage to Wonderland via the rabbit’s hole. Enjoy!

  • Erifily

    I hear you. I was 23 too when I embarked on my yoga journey, disillusioned by the fake world of marketing (I was a graphic designer) and I kept getting more and more of a cynic as I saw the same patterns in communities I thought of as more honest. The overall community was never what I could belong to. As I grew older I understood that I need to focus on the few good people and stop looking for a community. I found amazing teachers in yoga, dance, meditation and clownery who have all helped me find more and more of a solid ground to stand on and standing on my own, I stopped needing so much the idea of belonging.

  • Tabitha

    We are here. I’m here. I can’t do the full expression of every posture after 10 years. I do try very hard to live the philosophy, although it’s often difficult. My frustration is often about the praise puked on people with perfect asana (what a beautiful practice) and little attention to what’s happening beyond the physical postures.

  • Melanie

    This is so honest and fantastic. Social media has people only sharing how amazing their lives are and it is often not helpful. You are right. We MUST embrace our dark sides before we will ever have peace. I awaken each day and sit in my chair to talk to my dark side, sending her love and compassion. I have much more I could say but need to go to my chair and sit now!! Keep going! You are on the path of TRUTH.

  • Emilie

    I love your honesty. I guess I want to say “hang in there” even though I didn’t. The things that made Ashtanga hard for me made me stop practicing. Everyone has their own challenges and I wonder if the silence around difficulties is the influence of people putting their “best selves” on display. Filters aren’t just on Instagram….
    Have you ever done a retreat? Away from normal everyday BS I think folks tend to open up more (with oneself and others) about struggle.

  • Sue

    Aude, there is a wild woman by the name of Santina Giardina-Chard. She is real and knows more about the dark side than anyone else I know. Check her out.

  • Dee

    I believe Astanga Yoga is a practice for really looking at your shit!!! It’s gritty, it’s deep, it’s designed for punks just like us. I know of many practitioners, including myself, extreme in their nature, often recovering drug addicts or alcoholics, that somehow seem drawn to this practice. Because it’s extreme? It’s so defined by discipline. The only practice that I know of, that actually reels me in, takes hold of me and holds me down! Yes, deviant by nature, of course I slip up and revisit disgusting and destructable behaviour , even after 10 years in practice, but instead of feeling guilty, I am amused! I love exploring and defining the dark against light. The ugly and the beautiful. The weak and the strong elements of myself. This is why I practice and what Yoga ultimately means to me. This practice allows me to make sense of ALL of me, there is no hiding. What a gift this practice is, I’m truely grateful. Keep practicing darling, it can take a few years before it starts to make sense! X

  • Marta

    Hi Aude, I am a Highly Sensitive Person and I know exactly what you feel. Please try to read something about the trait. It helped myself immensely and I understood I am not wrong.

  • Lauren

    Love this. Sometimes I try to talk to others Ashtanga yoga people about real shit struggles. Sometimes the struggles make it hard for me to make it to my mat. Some of these folks just say, well I always know I feel better if I make it to my mat. Kind of missing my point. There was also this mean that was going around for a while where it shows someone with a thought cloud that has twisted lines going in and ou sometimes the struggles make it hard for me to make it to my mat. Some of these folks just say, well I always know I feel better if I make it to my mat. Kind of missing my point. There was also this mean that was going around for a while where it shows someone with a word cloud that has twisted lines going everywhere. They’re talking to a therapist, and that helps them to unwind all their twisted thoughts. On the other side of the cartoon there is someone doing yoga, with a thought cloud of twisted lines going everywhere. It shows that doing yoga helps untangle all of their twisted thoughts. It’s basically saying Yoga is a type of therapy that can help untangle your mind. And… Maybe it is for some people? I know my anxiety and such is worse without Yoga, But Yoga is certainly not a cure all for the going o but Yoga is certainly not a cure all for the going on goings on of my mind. And it’s taking a lot of techniques that include meditation, include group therapy, and even include medication to help me sleep. I’ve developed a lot of anxiety around sleeping, and I think half of it is just the fact that I feel this pressure to get up and go to yoga in the morning. I think I Ashtanga yoga can be a really great tool For helping you. But just like anything it can be twisted into something that you used to work against you. Just the same way that healthy eating can be twisted into a calorie counting eating disorder. I love Ashtanga and I can’t imagine not practicing. But, I agree I wish there was more transparency in our community when it comes to struggling, not being perfect and all love and light.

  • Kristin Jannicke Pedersen

    THANK YOU! I think you have put words on many peoples feelings. I think everybody carry this “shit”? I think it starts with us, right here. We have to make it acceptable to come in to the yogashala with all whom we are, and that we are there mostly to accept ourself ant to work on the troubles we don’t want to carry. Again, thank you for sharing your shit!

  • Sunny

    Compassion and non violence can be directed inward as well as outward. Every time I reach for a drink I don’t judge myself, I accept and on good days I am aware and can stop the madness of the monkey mind that got me to the mat and through the practice in the first place. Emotions come and go our minds never stop, that is why there is meditation, moving moving moving focusing breathing just keep it moving until,your mind might realize that there is a purpose of all’of this asana. Yes the beauty in the power of the practice is extraordinary with all the bling but that is all external and that is what snap chat and FB is for to advertise and see it from the out side. The deeper you go where the real shit is, that is the magic. I used to,power thru practice and be blissed out for the first ten years but once the breath went even deeper where my practice slowed down my life changed. My autonomy and authenticity came out right in front of me and opened my chakras one at a time each time I practice now the prana surge is real the practice does this to me if it wasn’t for the shit of life I wouldn’t of botheredto try to get out my own way. Yoga can be as real for you as shooting up heroin or jumping off a cliff your choice. I have always been moving my body my mind through dance, bulimia, natural childbirth, post partum depression twenty years of marriage divorce, two grown kids and space just for me. Freedom. Life sucks and that is why we are amazed when the shit lifts and the sun still comes up,the full moon blazes the darkness into shadows that extend into our own bleak human moods. Hang in there the world is better with you in it. Practice & repeat

  • Sara

    The practice does a lot to my head that I don’t appreciate, so I limit my time with it and rely on what works, my people, my art.
    Being outside..head up.

  • Song Atthajaroon

    I was just thinking about this topic this week in yoga. How shit needs to get real. It’s not all fluff and doin’ it for the gram. My first introduction to yoga in the early 2000’s, it was moving meditation. Sure, there was gym yoga… but there were also studios that focused on the spiritual aspect of it. And there were studios that still told you what the sanskrit names were for asanas. Some of that exists now, but I’m finding it harder and harder to find. Recently I went into a class where the instructor said to point your fingers up and clasp your hands in “gun pose.” I was like why are we talking about guns in yoga? Ok that was a tangent. But on in general, yoga has gotten to be so commercialized and manufactured that there’s not a lot of room for getting to the source of what needs healing, the real shit. That’s what attracted me to yoga in the first place. Deepening into a pose, hearing the instructor comment about some aspect of life, shifting the energy inside me, and allow it to surface, heal, and transform who I am.

    It’s reeeeally hard to find these days. It’s one of the reasons that’s calling me to become an instructor. I’ll let you know if it ever happens. 😉

  • Romina

    I love you! I read to you and I read to myself. On the road of life discover that the answers are everywhere, not just in a mat, and that I may not be the perfect yogi and so and all respect that dark side that also makes me well. Stop telling me that I am a bad person or do not deserve good things because I can not do my practice as expected. Thanks for sharing. Today I choose to turn off my brain and enjoy the movements of my body as and arise, and that my mind feels that I do not have to do anything, just be.
    PD: Sorry for my bad english

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *